In the not too distant past, the notion of a gay marriage or family was, more or less,  an oxymoron.

The field of Couple and Family Therapy has evolved over time to critique the heteronormative values and assumptions applied to LGBTQ couples and families.  We celebrate and nurture queer youth , and cultivate pride and joy with transgender youth and their families.

A wonderful addition to this body of work is summarized in Stephanie Coontz’s OpEd in last week’s Sunday Times, How to Make your Marriage Gayer. 

Coontz, a family historian and founder of The Council for Contemporary Families, synthesizes recent data and discusses the state of marital satisfaction – among lesbian, gay and heterosexual couples.

Coontz centers the non heterosexual experience as relevant, healthy, and indeed, something that couple and family therapists and our clients can learn from.

What distinguished heterosexual marriage through the ages was not how many people were in it but the sharp distinctions it mandated regarding the duties and authority of its members.

The ways that gender shapes the rules of relationship around home and family responsibilities is profound.  We know that despite best stated intentions, for heterosexual couples, responsibilities are often split along gender lines.  Not so for gay/lesbian couples, who dispatch chores more intentionally according to partner preference and talent.

When the tasks of home and family are not distributed according to gender, but rather, what a partner likes and is good at, couples experience increasing marital satisfaction.

According to Dr. Coontz:

… sharing domestic tasks has become an increasingly important component of marital stability, and lack of sharing an increasingly powerful predictor of conflict.

And,

……the happiest and most sexually satisfied couples are now those who divide housework and child care the most equally. Couples where the wife does the bulk of routine chores, such as dishwashing, report the highest levels of discord.

So, when I tell a heterosexually partnered man that doing the dishes without being asked would be a total turn-on for his wife, I’m now back by some pretty serious data.

I encourage you to read and discuss with those you love, including your kids.  Let’s teach the value of shared work responsibilities, and the correlation with relationship satisfaction.

Access the full article here.