We have a new home. And with it, all the attendant physical and emotional turmoil of moving at my age. I am surrounded by boxes, and tormented by the seemingly endless decisions to “keep” or “let go.” (Do I really still need the hand written notes from my doctoral dissertation? Apparently, yes, I do). One of the indelible memories of this move is the 2022 World Series playing in the background as we packed. A wonderful diversion from the chaos, our …
Category: Marriage
I’m hesitant to give “tips” for relationships. I’m asked fairly often to do so, but I find the notion of “tips” reductionistic – couples and families can be really complex. I tend to encourage clients to consider where they are in the family life cycle, and the challenges of the developmental tasks at hand. This involves generative conversations which give way to more nuanced, expansive thinking. But when I find such a concise and helpful piece of writing by …
I am generally loathe to provide “tips” about how to deal with family; my work more often underscores the nuance and complexity of relationships. But I wrote this piece over a decade ago, and I think it stands the test of time. Family Therapy for the Holidays Each year around this time, conversations with clients turn to the predictable stress of time with family over the holidays. Like ghosts in the night, old issues, long dormant, reappear at holiday time. …
One of the conflicts most often brought to my office is about the division of labor in the family. Pain and resentment can accumulate and run deep over who does what around the home, and with the children. Partners can feel devalued, and taken advantage of. Particularly with both partners working outside of the home, the question arises: What does it take to make a family household run? Some years ago, I became aware of the notions of physical labor …
Colleagues and I discuss how never to have a conversation, and the toxic nature of communication in this week’s presidential debate. Read the full article from The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/09/trump-biden-debate-communication/616553/ …
I’m sharing this terrific article by Jennifer Senior in today’s NY Times on negotiating issues around the coronavirus and how this process exposes the inevitable “power struggle” inherent in relationships. The author’s summation, “remember, you both are right,” lays bare this dynamic, and she shares some spot on advice. Senior goes to noted couples therapist Esther Perel for her take on the situation: “If you polarize and you think that there’s only one way to do things,” she said, “it’s …
In the not too distant past, the notion of a gay marriage or family was, more or less, an oxymoron. The field of Couple and Family Therapy has evolved over time to critique the heteronormative values and assumptions applied to LGBTQ couples and families. We celebrate and nurture queer youth , and cultivate pride and joy with transgender youth and their families. A wonderful addition to this body of work is summarized in Stephanie Coontz’s OpEd in last week’s Sunday Times, …
As a family therapy clinician and teacher, I am constantly talking about the importance of relationships. I’m thus thrilled when those outside of my specialty acknowledge that as well – especially when it comes from my colleagues and collaborators in the medical community. In “Why Your Cardiologist should ask about your Love Life,” Dr. Sandeep Jauhar discusses the link between heart health and our emotional and relational worlds: We have learned, for example, that fear and grief can cause serious cardiac injury. During …
I’m so pleased to share this recently published book by my friend and colleague, Dr. Saliha Bava, and her partner, Mark Greene. Although we might agree in theory that parenting is indeed a relational endeavor, our language belies this perspective. For example, we describe the child as “oppositional defiant” as though she existed in a relational vacuum, without that ‘other’ person she must oppose. Diagnostic criteria focuses on the individual and obscures the parts of the relational system that promote imbalance …
Family historian, Stephanie Coontz, is admittedly one of my favorites. Former President of The Council on Contemporary Families, Dr. Coontz brings a much needed perspective to our cultural discourses about marriage and family life. Her capacity to mine enormous bodies of data and expose trends about the current state of relationships is remarkable – and very much needed. The landscape of marriage and family is not easy to navigate, and I’m grateful for her clarity and perspective. In that spirit (and because …
